I was reading the newspaper today and saw an article that talked about a man "losing his temper" and throwing gasoline on his wife before setting her ablaze... the article talked about the man's anger control issues. However, I had a strong reaction to the article. A lot of times men's violence against women is confused with anger problems. Relationship violence perpetrated by men is not an anger issue it is a highly complicated matter that is multilayered and multidimensional in nature. There are many causes of men's violence against women and anger is not the top cause. Anger can be a component of the abuse but cannot be attributed as a cause for violence. So, what are some of the causes of violence perpetrated against women? The blog tries to cover some of the causes of men's violence against women but as mentioned before the causes are several and complicated, therefore the list of causes provided here may not be comprehensive. The author of this blog also recognizes that violence is not always perpetrated against women and men are not always the perpetrators of violence. However, in most reported cases of domestic violence and sexual assault men are the perpetrators. Therefore, this article is written with that perspective. However, I want to reiterate that the author does not discriminate against victims of violence based on their gender. Also, through out this post the main concentration will be on the perpetrators of violence because the author wants to refrain from blaming the victim.
1. Patriarchal and institutional structures that cause oppression and violence against women. The larger society contributes to men’s violence against women by normalizing it, ignoring it and in many cases minimizing the violence. Men's Violence may also be the result of the unconscious fear of power loss that men are experiencing in recent times due to the changing status of women in the society.
2. Gender- Role socialization- Sexist attitudes, gender role conflict and negative emotions towards women can also be contributing factors to violence against women. Growing up we are often told that “boys don't cry", “ boys should not be like girls" which send the subtle messages that boys are better than girls. If a certain portion of the population believes that they are "better than" the other half of the population they are bound to grow up with inflated egos and superiority complexes which may add fuel to the fire. Power and control dynamics are seen in most violent relationships. Power and control issue come up because men are often taught to be powerful and in control. Therefore they act out and try to be the powerful in the relationship at all costs, even at the cost of the relationship itself. Men's misogynistic attitudes are learnt and often played out in relationships. How can we blame them when they grow up...when we are the ones teaching them everyday that they are defined by their power?
Men are taught to restrict emotions and are not taught to express emotions openly. This further causes suppressed emotions that may come out in an outburst or in an unhealthy fashion though violence.
3. Lack of accountability (especially in the Indian society): In India, we shy away from taking accountability for our actions. Perpetrators will often use excuses to justify and minimize their violence and we as a society accept these justifications rather that question or confront them. Violence is never okay is the message we need to send but in India we have justified violence in families repeatedly by naming it as a family problem instead of recognizing it as a societal issue. I have had many clients who have justified their partner's violence and made excuses for the violence by saying things like “I didn’t keep the food ready" or “He tells me I am not a good mother and that is why he hits me". It is extremely normal for the victim to minimize and rationalize the perpetrators violence (for survival and coping!!) but why are we minimizing the violence? Violence is never rational.
The article I referred to at the beginning of the post spoke about how enraged the husband was "because" the food was not ready on time and hence he set his wife on fire. Is that even reason enough? Is any reason enough to set someone on fire? If you ask for my perspective he committed the act of violence because he could and because “he thinks its justified as his wife "should" have the meal ready.
4. Sense of ownership in relationships, especially marriage: The woman gets married and the first thing she is stripped of is her identity... she goes on to take the identity of her husband through his last name. I am not judging this practice I am merely stating that many rituals make the woman seem as property. In the Indian system, (Hindu system) there is a "kanyadaan" where the woman is given away to her husband by her father. This ritual blatantly states that the woman is given away (as if property) from one owner to another. Besides such rituals many other beliefs and even socialization makes men believe that the woman belongs to them and if we believe something is our possession we can treat it the way we want.
5. The role of Media: Men's "obvious" violence against women is often subject to criticism in Hindi movies but in many subtle ways it is repeatedly shown through advertisements and movies. Stalking is commonly shown in Hindi movies as benign and harmless. Try, try, try, try, try and she will say yes. How she feels while you stalk her everyday is often neglected. Women are to be good mothers, daughters and sisters and if they are not men can be violent towards them. In such cases it is justified. Says who? We as society...we say yes!!!!
This article was written to make you think about violence against women.. make you ponder.. if you or anyone you know has experienced violence in their relationships please call us: 91 9860352805. You can visit http://www.askaks.com/ to know more about our services.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
What therapy is NOT
There are many myths about therapy and how it works... this blog post is determined to bust these myths.
Myth 1- If I have a problem the counselor will give me a solution.
Therapy is about finding solutions for oneself. The therapist is only a facilitator who helps clients get a better understanding about themselves. Therapy is a process and it takes time, patience and effort on part of the client. There are no quick fixes or magic wand solutions in therapy.
Myth 2- Therapy involves a couch and the therapist can read your mind.
Therapy can involve a couch but the couch concept came up in Freudian times and is generally a method used by psychoanalysts. Most current therapies follow a sit down, face to face method. The therapist is not a mind reader or an "antaryami". Therapists have an understanding of human behavior and understand body language and motives of behavior. Therefore, therapists might be able to read into a client's actions or behaviors but they generally cannot read what is on someone's mind by just looking at them .
Myth 3- Therapists just talk and therapy is all talk.
There are many forms of therapy like activity therapy, play therapy, expressive art therapy, music therapy and talk therapy. Although talk therapy is the most common form of therapy it does not mean that all therapists do is talk. The therapist's primary job is to listen and therapists are taught the art of listening. Therapists listen to not only the content of a client's words but also to the thoughts and feelings behind it. Therapists use this art to understand the client and reflect it back to the client so that they can get a better understanding into their own thoughts and feelings.
Myth 4- Therapy will make me feel better almost instantaneously.
As mentioned before therapy is a process which takes time. The primary motive of therapy is to gain understanding into ones own world and take actions that are healthier for oneself. Therapy makes you feel better in the long run but can be uncomfortable in the beginning. One has to process feelings, thoughts and events in their life that are uncomfortable in order to make way for other thoughts and feelings. The therapist provides support and helps you process uncomfortable feelings in a safe way to make way for healthier coping mechanisms.
Myth 5- The therapist is the expert on me.
This is the biggest fallacy existing in the minds of new clients. Only you are the expert on you. The therapist is an expert in human behavior and can help you understand you.. but can never tell you what to do because only YOU know best about what will work for you. The therapist can provide suggestions, brainstorm and be there for you as you try new things in life but the therapist cannot live your life for you.
Myth 6- Therapy needs a few meetings so that the therapist can meet you and give suggestions.
Therapy is not structure less. Therapy has a clear beginning which is devoted to rapport building, has a middle where the therapist will use the information provided by the client to provide feedback, support and suggestions. And therapy has a clear end which should be marked by a termination session which is processed over a few meetings. The termination can be initiated either by the client or the therapist but should be agreed upon by both parties.
Myth 7- The therapist is the expert who knows everything. The therapist may get upset if I ask too many questions or give feedback.
Therapy is all about the client- therapist relationship. The therapist gives the client honest feedback even if it is hurtful because the therapist acts as a mirror for the client. A mirror does not lie it generally gives us back our reflection.. with all its beauty and all its flaws.
If the therapist can give honest feedback to the client.. the client should also be allowed to voice their opinions. Therapy can be extremely effective if it is transparent and honest. It is a client's right to ask the therapist what is being done in therapy, what the plan of treatment is and what direction therapy is taking. The client also has the right to access their records and files to see what is being documented about them. However, no other family member has this right and can only have access to the files if the client grants written permission. All records are kept confidential and hence to be shared with any other person the therapist needs to take prior permission of the client.
Myth 8- Therapy is just problem solving.
Problem solving can be one goal of therapy where the therapist and client can attack the problem together but it is not what therapy is in totality. Therapy involves finding ways to understand our problems and gives us tools to deal with the problem. Not in all cases can the problem be completely solved.. that is a very high expectation from therapy. Eg: If your wife is what you perceive as the the problem and she is not in the session with you. The therapist cannot bring about change in your wife's behavior. The therapist can only help you see how to deal with your wife's behavior, how her behavior is impacting you, what you want from the relationship and help you decide where you want the relationship to head.
Myth 9- I am weak if I go for counseling or therapy. I should be able to solve my problems.
Another common belief is that if I see myself as "strong" I should be able to deal with my own problems. Weak and strong are huge judgments to put on yourself. The truth is that at some point in our lives we all feel helpless or overwhelmed. Therapy can provide you a place to vent your feelings, be accepted non- judgmentally and provide tools to deal with such issues in the healthiest way possible. It takes an awful amount of strength to take care of your mental health. Therapy can be seen as a gym for your mind. Not all of us go to the gym only when there is a threat of heart disease some of us go just to keep ourselves healthy.
Myth 1- If I have a problem the counselor will give me a solution.
Therapy is about finding solutions for oneself. The therapist is only a facilitator who helps clients get a better understanding about themselves. Therapy is a process and it takes time, patience and effort on part of the client. There are no quick fixes or magic wand solutions in therapy.
Myth 2- Therapy involves a couch and the therapist can read your mind.
Therapy can involve a couch but the couch concept came up in Freudian times and is generally a method used by psychoanalysts. Most current therapies follow a sit down, face to face method. The therapist is not a mind reader or an "antaryami". Therapists have an understanding of human behavior and understand body language and motives of behavior. Therefore, therapists might be able to read into a client's actions or behaviors but they generally cannot read what is on someone's mind by just looking at them .
Myth 3- Therapists just talk and therapy is all talk.
There are many forms of therapy like activity therapy, play therapy, expressive art therapy, music therapy and talk therapy. Although talk therapy is the most common form of therapy it does not mean that all therapists do is talk. The therapist's primary job is to listen and therapists are taught the art of listening. Therapists listen to not only the content of a client's words but also to the thoughts and feelings behind it. Therapists use this art to understand the client and reflect it back to the client so that they can get a better understanding into their own thoughts and feelings.
Myth 4- Therapy will make me feel better almost instantaneously.
As mentioned before therapy is a process which takes time. The primary motive of therapy is to gain understanding into ones own world and take actions that are healthier for oneself. Therapy makes you feel better in the long run but can be uncomfortable in the beginning. One has to process feelings, thoughts and events in their life that are uncomfortable in order to make way for other thoughts and feelings. The therapist provides support and helps you process uncomfortable feelings in a safe way to make way for healthier coping mechanisms.
Myth 5- The therapist is the expert on me.
This is the biggest fallacy existing in the minds of new clients. Only you are the expert on you. The therapist is an expert in human behavior and can help you understand you.. but can never tell you what to do because only YOU know best about what will work for you. The therapist can provide suggestions, brainstorm and be there for you as you try new things in life but the therapist cannot live your life for you.
Myth 6- Therapy needs a few meetings so that the therapist can meet you and give suggestions.
Therapy is not structure less. Therapy has a clear beginning which is devoted to rapport building, has a middle where the therapist will use the information provided by the client to provide feedback, support and suggestions. And therapy has a clear end which should be marked by a termination session which is processed over a few meetings. The termination can be initiated either by the client or the therapist but should be agreed upon by both parties.
Myth 7- The therapist is the expert who knows everything. The therapist may get upset if I ask too many questions or give feedback.
Therapy is all about the client- therapist relationship. The therapist gives the client honest feedback even if it is hurtful because the therapist acts as a mirror for the client. A mirror does not lie it generally gives us back our reflection.. with all its beauty and all its flaws.
If the therapist can give honest feedback to the client.. the client should also be allowed to voice their opinions. Therapy can be extremely effective if it is transparent and honest. It is a client's right to ask the therapist what is being done in therapy, what the plan of treatment is and what direction therapy is taking. The client also has the right to access their records and files to see what is being documented about them. However, no other family member has this right and can only have access to the files if the client grants written permission. All records are kept confidential and hence to be shared with any other person the therapist needs to take prior permission of the client.
Myth 8- Therapy is just problem solving.
Problem solving can be one goal of therapy where the therapist and client can attack the problem together but it is not what therapy is in totality. Therapy involves finding ways to understand our problems and gives us tools to deal with the problem. Not in all cases can the problem be completely solved.. that is a very high expectation from therapy. Eg: If your wife is what you perceive as the the problem and she is not in the session with you. The therapist cannot bring about change in your wife's behavior. The therapist can only help you see how to deal with your wife's behavior, how her behavior is impacting you, what you want from the relationship and help you decide where you want the relationship to head.
Myth 9- I am weak if I go for counseling or therapy. I should be able to solve my problems.
Another common belief is that if I see myself as "strong" I should be able to deal with my own problems. Weak and strong are huge judgments to put on yourself. The truth is that at some point in our lives we all feel helpless or overwhelmed. Therapy can provide you a place to vent your feelings, be accepted non- judgmentally and provide tools to deal with such issues in the healthiest way possible. It takes an awful amount of strength to take care of your mental health. Therapy can be seen as a gym for your mind. Not all of us go to the gym only when there is a threat of heart disease some of us go just to keep ourselves healthy.
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