Is anger management the answer to men's violence against women?

I was reading the newspaper today and saw an article that talked about a man "losing his temper" and throwing gasoline on his wife before setting her ablaze... the article talked about the man's anger control issues. However, I had a strong reaction to the article. A lot of times men's violence against women is confused with anger problems. Relationship violence perpetrated by men is not an anger issue it is a highly complicated matter that is multilayered and multidimensional in nature. There are many causes of men's violence against women and anger is not the top cause. Anger can be a component of the abuse but cannot be attributed as a cause for violence. So, what are some of the causes of violence perpetrated against women? The blog tries to cover some of the causes of men's violence against women but as mentioned before the causes are several and complicated, therefore the list of causes provided here may not be comprehensive. The author of this blog also recognizes that violence is not always perpetrated against women and men are not always the perpetrators of violence. However, in most reported cases of domestic violence and sexual assault men are the perpetrators. Therefore, this article is written with that perspective. However, I want to reiterate that the author does not discriminate against victims of violence based on their gender. Also, through out this post the main concentration will be on the perpetrators of violence because the author wants to refrain from blaming the victim.
1. Patriarchal and institutional structures that cause oppression and violence against women. The larger society contributes to men’s violence against women by normalizing it, ignoring it and in many cases minimizing the violence. Men's Violence may also be the result of the unconscious fear of power loss that men are experiencing in recent times due to the changing status of women in the society.

2. Gender- Role socialization- Sexist attitudes, gender role conflict and negative emotions towards women can also be contributing factors to violence against women. Growing up we are often told that “boys don't cry", “ boys should not be like girls" which send the subtle messages that boys are better than girls. If a certain portion of the population believes that they are "better than" the other half of the population they are bound to grow up with inflated egos and superiority complexes which may add fuel to the fire. Power and control dynamics are seen in most violent relationships. Power and control issue come up because men are often taught to be powerful and in control. Therefore they act out and try to be the powerful in the relationship at all costs, even at the cost of the relationship itself. Men's misogynistic attitudes are learnt and often played out in relationships. How can we blame them when they grow up...when we are the ones teaching them everyday that they are defined by their power?
Men are taught to restrict emotions and are not taught to express emotions openly. This further causes suppressed emotions that may come out in an outburst or in an unhealthy fashion though violence.

3. Lack of accountability (especially in the Indian society): In India, we shy away from taking accountability for our actions. Perpetrators will often use excuses to justify and minimize their violence and we as a society accept these justifications rather that question or confront them. Violence is never okay is the message we need to send but in India we have justified violence in families repeatedly by naming it as a family problem instead of recognizing it as a societal issue. I have had many clients who have justified their partner's violence and made excuses for the violence by saying things like “I didn’t keep the food ready" or “He tells me I am not a good mother and that is why he hits me". It is extremely normal for the victim to minimize and rationalize the perpetrators violence (for survival and coping!!) but why are we minimizing the violence? Violence is never rational.
The article I referred to at the beginning of the post spoke about how enraged the husband was "because" the food was not ready on time and hence he set his wife on fire. Is that even reason enough? Is any reason enough to set someone on fire? If you ask for my perspective he committed the act of violence because he could and because “he thinks its justified as his wife "should" have the meal ready.

4. Sense of ownership in relationships, especially marriage: The woman gets married and the first thing she is stripped of is her identity... she goes on to take the identity of her husband through his last name. I am not judging this practice I am merely stating that many rituals make the woman seem as property. In the Indian system, (Hindu system) there is a "kanyadaan" where the woman is given away to her husband by her father. This ritual blatantly states that the woman is given away (as if property) from one owner to another. Besides such rituals many other beliefs and even socialization makes men believe that the woman belongs to them and if we believe something is our possession we can treat it the way we want.

5. The role of Media: Men's "obvious" violence against women is often subject to criticism in Hindi movies but in many subtle ways it is repeatedly shown through advertisements and movies. Stalking is commonly shown in Hindi movies as benign and harmless. Try, try, try, try, try and she will say yes. How she feels while you stalk her everyday is often neglected. Women are to be good mothers, daughters and sisters and if they are not men can be violent towards them. In such cases it is justified. Says who? We as society...we say yes!!!!

This article was written to make you think about violence against women.. make you ponder.. if you or anyone you know has experienced violence in their relationships please call us: 91 9860352805. You can visit http://www.askaks.com/ to know more about our services.